It has taken me five years and endless nights out in this city to compile this list of what I like to call the “usual suspects.” So please join me as I introduce to you the top 12 guys you can’t avoid bumping into on a night out in Milan. The good. The bad. The ugly. Here they are:

Married or Engaged Guy: Are you seeing a pattern yet? Girlfriend in this country = grey area. I met a guy last week, we talked for a while, he bought me a drink, then when we were parting ways, he asked for my number. I gave it to him and he asked if I had a boyfriend.

Well obviously not, why would I give you my number?? Do you have a girlfriend?

Of course he did. Seven years strong! When asked what exactly his intentions would have been with me he put his hands up in defense, “no, no, I thought we could just meet for a pizza and have a walk around the center.”

Riiiiight. So I ran off dramatically (as one does) and was dramatically chased down by…

The Gynecologist: No, this is not a usual suspect on the list, but I found it a rather hilarious sequence of events that I ran off from almost-married guy into the creepy arms of someone who is a real life gynecologist by trade. Just doesn’t get much better than that.

gyno

I <3 America guy: he usually has some accessory or garment that represents his love for the United States and the fact that he’s meeting an actual American is just fate in and of itself. I mean, what are the odds that he wore his American flag-printed scarf that night and met a living, breathing American?! It must mean we should get married.

Italian American

I-love-myself-no-room-for-you-guy: oh Milan, in your infinitely snobby ways, producing some really out of this world, good looking guys….who couldn’t give two shits that I exist. It may not help that I find myself out at the places and on the nights when all the models decided to get together and go out. If you’re a hobbit like myself, you may just get lost in the abyss. So it might just be that they literally don’t see me. Dressed well, he’s usually hogging the mirror in the bathroom and shining the clip of his Louis Vuitton belt. Eye candy but ::yawn::

italian guy

Underage Guy: If this were America, I might be in prison by now. They let them out of the house too young here. That’s all I’ll say.

Coast to Coast Guy: EVERYTIME, EVERY DAMN TIME there is always that guy that has the dream to go coast to coast in the USA on a Harley Davidson. I don’t know, is that doable? Do people actually DO that?

Eyebrows Guy: I don’t know what it is with this country, but there is always that one guy who’s got some funk eyebrows: over-plucked, over-waxed, over-threaded…just makes you look and go wtf?! (Please refer to photo below).

image1 (11)

The Translator: this is my favorite. This is usually the one lone guy who knows some English, out of a group of Italian guys who never paid attention in their English class in high school. He has been nominated to go over to the female troops, charm the pants off of them and then bring them back to his buddies. You usually see the ears on this group of guys perk up as soon as they hear the English. This is followed by an intense group huddle session in which they do one of two things:

Either muster up enough English words among all 5 of them to string a sentence together and talk to us, or nominate their linguistically-inclined friend to come over and talk to us. Either way, as soon as they come over, I answer them in Italian, which is usually followed by “Ah! She speaks Italian!” As if I were trying to fool them….the jig is up boys, I can speak your language. And they have that look of relief on their faces unless they are:

The English Student: the guy, who, no matter how many times you attempt to speak to him in Italian, he persists with English because “I have a very bad English and I need improve.” Then I need to send you a bill because I did that job for four years and got paid very well to tell people the difference between first and second conditional. I’m drinking. Not now, please.

Taking his Sweet Time Guy: this one’s not in a rush…to do anything. He’s of a decent age, good job, can stand on his own two feet but….still lives with mom and dad because, “what’s the rush?” A slightly different variation of this would be….

The 35 Year Old University Student: he’s still finishing his degree….10 years later. You understand, right? No, I don’t. I went to a public university that cost $30,000 a year. That shit’s expensive. If I didn’t finish in 4 years like I promised my parents, guess what? Year 5 was on me. Graduate already!

graduate

The Whats App Poet: the pleasure of meeting him arrives the morning after with text messages that read: “Buongiorno Principessa!!!!” It’s 7AM, I gave you my number when I left the club at 4AM. Give me some time to miss you. Did you even go to bed yet?

“I dreamt about your smile all night.”

And I’ve created a monster.